An Unsexy Review of the Best Toilet Paper Brands. Signed, a Mom With IBS (and Four Kids)

There are a lot of things I thought I'd become an expert in as a mom.

Car seats.

School lunches.

Removing stickers from places they absolutely did not belong.

And pretending I didn't just step on a Lego.

Toilet paper was not one of them.

And yet, because I have IBS, I have developed some extremely strong opinions about what happens in my bathroom.

When your stomach decides to ruin your afternoon, the last thing you want is toilet paper that feels like you're wiping with a Home Depot receipt.

So I decided to review the most popular brands. For journalism. For science. For my butt (and yours).

Blarmin

You know Blarmin.

It's been in bathrooms forever. Your mom bought it. Her mom probably bought it. It's basically the Coca-Cola of toilet paper.

And honestly? It’s DUSTY. 

Why is nobody talking about the lint it leaves in your … you know what ??? 

And as a mom, there’s nothing more frightening than seeing your kid scratch their behind. Is it toilet paper residue … ? or is it something so much grosser... I didn’t realize that my TP was gaslighting me until I saw the hoards of unhappy masses on reddit (pitchforks & all!). No more linty bums, they said:

Now here’s the thing, I like wiping my behind with something that feels like a cloud as much as the next woman, but have you ever thought about what something that cushy does to your plumbing? (the one in your house, not the other one) 

I didn’t either… that is until I had to pay hundreds of dollars for a plumber to fix it. 

To put it in perspective, he genuinely asked me if I was flushing maxipads down the toilet. That’s how fluffy the TP looked in my septic tank. 

Cottenyell

For all those who have wiped your a** and the toilet paper was so thin (looking at you public bathrooms) you were basically touching your number two, I see you, I’ve been you. 

Nobody talks about how thin Cottonyell is. But let’s face it, we deserve better. Especially for the steep price tag. 

The other trouble is that with TP this thin, my family runs through it like it grows in the backyard. Replenishing the toilet paper stock for a family of 6 is not only extremely costly, it’s also super unsustainable. 

I have enough financial obligations.

Have you seen the price of a latte (even without cold foam)???

And then... Who Gives A Crap

I'll admit it.

I judged the name.

Who Gives A Crap?

It cannot be a ✨serious✨ toilet paper.

But it's also impossible to forget.

So then I tried their bamboo toilet paper.

And actually...

It was really good.

Soft enough for multiple wipes (thank you, IBS).

Strong enough to hold up when things get... complicated.

Made with bamboo so it’s better for the planet.

Delivered straight to my door.

And cheaper per sheet than the big-name brands I had assumed were the “budget” option.

That's when I realized I'd been doing toilet paper wrong.

Finally, good toilet paper that doesn't make me feel like I'm being financially punished for having a digestive system.

Who Gives A Crap Actually Saves you Money Compared to the Big Name Brands.

Yes. The bamboo toilet paper company with the ridiculous name.

The one I assumed was going to cost more because apparently my brain thinks “better for the planet” automatically means “prepare your wallet for impact.”

Nope.

In fact, a single person can save an average of $135 a year on toilet paper by switching to Who Gives A Crap.

So apparently my butt can have nice things without my bank account having to suffer.

It also has no PFAS added, no inks or dyes, is fragrance free, hypoallergenic, dermatologically tested, sensitive skin friendly, BPA free, and does not use chlorine bleach. If you care about that stuff.

Me personally? My priority is a reliable and affordable wiping vessel. But good to know there's no bad stuff in it.

My extremely scientific ranking

🥇 Who Gives A Crap
Soft. Strong. Bamboo. Delivered. And cheaper per sheet than the big guys.

🥈 Blarmin
Pills. Itches. Expensive. My butt has evolved.

🥉 Cottenyell
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Too thin to even be considered.

🚫 Anything that feels like printer paper
Straight to jail.

Would I recommend Who Gives A Crap?

Yes. No hesitation.

I never expected to become a woman with a favorite toilet paper brand.

But motherhood changes you. And IBS changes you.

Apparently they can also make you an unpaid toilet paper critic on the internet.

At least I'm saving $135 a year while I do it.