So... today is Caroline's birthday. You might be getting ready to shoot over your best wishes, but pump the brakes on those slackmojis, compadres. Here's why you should think twice before you do:
1. She might invite you to work out with her
Caroline enjoys working out. We all know this. “Whoops, I accidentally signed up for Rumble AND [solidcore] this morning. I guess I’ll just do both and then head to the office!” said no one, ever, in the entire universe, except for Caroline.
One time, I was on my Peloton bike and thought maybe I should follow her. So I found her, and realized she had completed something like 1,500 workouts with an obnoxiously impressive output. I turned around and got the hell out of there. Didn’t seem wise for my self-esteem.
2. You’ll end up questioning your upbringing
Chances are, if you wish CRL a HBD, she’s coming back at you with her impeccable manners. Look, I think I’m pretty mindful about expressing my gratitude, but Caroline? Girl has never missed an opportunity to thank someone in her entire life. She’s ridiculously polite. I’m not saying it isn’t nice to be thanked… I’m just saying, you could face an existential moment that your parents may not appreciate.
3. She works so fast, it makes everyone else seem slow
If I’m being real, knowing Caroline, she’s probably multitasking birthdays. And by that, I mean, she’s celebrating this, the next, probably her 67th too, because she’s that damn productive. In fact, since we have yet to verify that she is not a very sophisticated cyborg, this entire debate of whether or not to celebrate the anniversary of CRL's first unassisted breath just might be a moot point anyway.
4. You could end up talking like her
Spend enough time with Caroline, and you’ll find a whole new catalog of phrases in your repertoire. And it won’t just be a you problem - she’ll get your whole family on board with the lingo. Ask my 8 year old daughter Penny, who is - and I quote - “here for it”... I just can’t.
5. Her fonts are so basic*
* This font doesn’t count. Classic WP editor doesn't let me change it.
My biggest complaint about Caroline is her font choices (or lack thereof). Life was not meant to be lived in Arial (or Times New Roman, or Comic Sans, for that matter). But here we are, sat with a gazillion Google docs and spreadsheets, each filled with the most vanilla typeface known to man. That said, I’ll give credit where it is due. Caroline can hear feedback, and has made an effort here and there to change up her default font. It’s a work in progress. She has neat handwriting though.
RETRACTION: You absolutely SHOULD wish Caroline a happy birthday!!!
Birthday girl, circa 2021
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